blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
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If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
#Caturday
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.