[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
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I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.