How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
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hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
what are they serving at kfc then???
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.