ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
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Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Just me?
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.