Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
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if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree