When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
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When you don’t understand how floors work
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*