I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
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That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot