at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
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#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Saving my good tweets for marriage
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?