Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
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FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.