Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
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Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
why no one uses midhusbands
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are