I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
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My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.