Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
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Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.