when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
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A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.