Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
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my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
bugs when you lift up a rock
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.