Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
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Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.