🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
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Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Good advice.