Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
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Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
new record!
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I never needed anything more in my life
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”