DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
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Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.