FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
You Might Also Like
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass