Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
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âIt puts the lotion on its skin…â
— me buttering a baked potato
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on itâs like my own personal weekend at bernieâs.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern⌔
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Iâve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, âDo you watch anything that isnât about death??â No. No I do not.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
My dog learned how to text
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue⌔ – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
My wife has a âwork husbandâ so Iâm having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Donât name your car. Itâs not a boat. Donât name your boat either.
I told my daughter her friend couldnât come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that