The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
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COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.