My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
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WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
inside you are two wolves
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.