First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
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I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
#oldknees
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”