Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
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You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.