Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
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Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
S O O N
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve