Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
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My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.