Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
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Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor