I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
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Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.