Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
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A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Canadian owl: Eh?
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball