My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
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I’m an avid indoorsman.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt