You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
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If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Why are bridges so flammable.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
this could fix me
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.