Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
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My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score