I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
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My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.