Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
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Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
This bar smells like my childhood.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”