I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
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I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE