Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
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[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.