No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
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There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
What the dentist sees
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.