On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
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We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Message from the dog groomers
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”