* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
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Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
marvel comics have peaked
Legend 🤣🤣
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.