so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
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I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?