My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
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Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?