Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
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not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days