I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?