And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
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My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
From Facebook just now…
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us