“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
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You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.