The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
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Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Autocorrect completely socks
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…