I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
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*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still