If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
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Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
What my back needs
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.