Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
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marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”