if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
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My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?